The Perils of Pop Psychology: When “Gaslighting” Loses Its Meaning

In today’s hyper-connected world, where social media feeds are flooded with mental health memes and TikTok therapists, psychological terms have seeped into everyday conversations. Words like “gaslighting,” “narcissist,” and “trauma” are tossed around casually, often to describe frustrations in relationships or personal conflicts. While raising awareness about mental health is undeniably positive, the overuse and misuse of these powerful terms can do more harm than good. As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how this trend creates confusion, escalates arguments, and hinders genuine understanding. Let’s dive into why this happens, starting with one of the most commonly abused terms: gaslighting.

The Origins of “Gaslighting”: A Lesson in Manipulation

The term “gaslighting” didn’t originate in a psychology textbook; it comes from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, later adapted into a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman. In the story, a husband deliberately manipulates his wife by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that anything has changed, making her question her own sanity. This insidious tactic is the essence of gaslighting: a form of psychological abuse where one person systematically undermines another’s perception of reality to gain control.

True gaslighting isn’t just a disagreement or a white lie—it’s a pattern of behavior aimed at eroding someone’s confidence in their own experiences. For example, it might involve denying events that clearly happened, twisting facts, or accusing the victim of being “too sensitive” or “imagining things.” In clinical terms, it’s often linked to abusive dynamics in relationships, workplaces, or even cults. But here’s the catch: not every argument or emotional upset qualifies as gaslighting.

The Rise of Armchair Diagnosis: Why We Overuse These Terms

In my therapeutic practice, I frequently encounter clients who walk in the door already armed with diagnoses. “My partner is a narcissist,” they’ll say, or “They’re always gaslighting me.” These labels often stem from online articles, podcasts, or viral videos that simplify complex psychological concepts for mass consumption. It’s understandable—when we’re hurt, we seek validation, and these terms provide a shorthand way to articulate our pain.

However, the problem arises when we use them to describe normal relational friction rather than actual pathology. Feelings of invalidation in a heated argument might feel like gaslighting, but if it’s not part of a deliberate, ongoing campaign to distort reality, it’s probably just poor communication. Similarly, calling someone a “narcissist” because they’re self-centered during a fight ignores that narcissism is a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD) requiring professional assessment, not a casual insult.

This overuse isn’t harmless. It dilutes the meaning of these terms, making it harder for true victims of abuse to be taken seriously. When everything is “gaslighting,” nothing is.

The Harm in Labeling: Barriers to Connection and Resolution

During couples therapy sessions, I’ve observed how defaulting to these labels creates invisible walls. One partner accuses the other of “gaslighting,” and suddenly the conversation shifts from resolving the issue to defending against the label. “I’m not a gaslighter—you’re just overreacting!” becomes the retort, and we’re off to the races in a cycle of defensiveness.

This habit fosters several harms:

•  Confusion and Miscommunication: Powerful terms carry weight. Misapplying them can lead to misunderstandings about what’s really happening in the relationship. Instead of exploring underlying emotions—like feeling unheard or dismissed—partners get stuck debating semantics.

•  Escalation of Conflicts: Labels turn personal grievances into character assassinations. Calling your spouse a “narcissist” doesn’t invite empathy; it provokes retaliation. In my experience, this often prolongs arguments and deepens resentment, making resolution feel impossible.

•  Stigma and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: Over time, repeated labeling can erode trust. The accused partner might withdraw, thinking, “If I’m seen as the villain, why bother trying?” Meanwhile, the labeler might overlook their own role in the dynamic, stunting personal growth.

•  Therapeutic Challenges: When clients arrive with self-diagnosed labels, it can complicate therapy. We spend valuable time unpacking whether the term fits, rather than addressing the root issues. True healing requires nuance, not buzzwords.

Consider a common scenario: A couple argues about forgotten chores. One says, “You always deny promising to do the dishes—that’s gaslighting!” But upon exploration, it’s revealed as a simple memory lapse, not manipulation. By reframing without the label—“I feel frustrated when promises aren’t kept”—they open the door to accountability and understanding.

Moving Beyond Labels: Towards Healthier Communication

So, how do we break this cycle? Awareness is the first step. Before using a psychological term, pause and ask: Does this accurately describe the behavior, or am I expressing my hurt? Educate yourself from reliable sources—like books by licensed professionals or peer-reviewed articles—rather than social media snippets.

In relationships, focus on “I” statements to own your feelings: “I feel dismissed when my concerns are minimized” instead of “You’re gaslighting me.” This invites dialogue rather than defense. For couples in therapy, tools like active listening and empathy exercises can replace labeling with curiosity: “Help me understand your perspective.”

Ultimately, language shapes our reality. By using psychological terms mindfully, we honor their origins and power, while fostering connections that heal rather than harm.

If you’re navigating relationship challenges and find yourself reaching for these labels, consider seeking professional guidance. A therapist can help sort through the noise and build bridges where barriers once stood. Remember, it’s okay to feel hurt without pathologizing it—sometimes, that’s the most empowering realization of all.